The song from Titanic

At work today the song from Titanic came on the play list. Of course that got me thinking about my first love, as the movie had originally come out around the time we started dating. I still have my own "heart of the ocean" in a n old shoebox in the back of my wardrobe, where it's found itself nestled in many a house I've lived in over the last almost 20 years. Twenty years. Can it really be that long?
Anyway, today I had some new perspective on hearing that song and thinking of my once beloved. My mind was drawn to the scene at the end of the movie where lovely old Rose is tucked up in bed and the camera pans out at all her photo frames, and they were filled with all the wonderful things she had done with her life since her beloved left her. And I heard a little voice say to me "If Rose can do all these things on her own, so can you". There were thinks there that in the movie Rose and Jack had talked about doing together, but instead of drowning in her grief, Rose went on and did all those amazing things- by herself! My beloved is not coming back.  It's been almost twenty years.  Maybe it's time I was brace like Rose and did the things we'd dreamed of one day doing together-  by myself.  Maybe it's time I started living.

It's 1:30pm.  I'm at a friends waiting for her to be able to drive me home later this afternoon. I'm so tired so I'll try and sleep. I'm in the spare room staring up at the yellow walls and a hat hanging on the wall with a red ribbon tied around it and a few fake yellow flowers. 10 minutes ago I was wondering what would happened if I took more of my tranquilliser medication than I know I should. 20 minutes ago I wondered if I'd have the guts to walk out in front of a truck.  I just found out the last hope I'd been clinging to, moving in to worldview so I could be in a nurturing environment around people had slammed shut in my face. They didn't even consider it. Just a "no, that's not something we do here" and she wished me well on my search.  Did she know she was my last hope? Did she know how desperate I am and what her words have done? How do I get through another night at home. How? Where are you God?