It's 1:30pm.  I'm at a friends waiting for her to be able to drive me home later this afternoon. I'm so tired so I'll try and sleep. I'm in the spare room staring up at the yellow walls and a hat hanging on the wall with a red ribbon tied around it and a few fake yellow flowers. 10 minutes ago I was wondering what would happened if I took more of my tranquilliser medication than I know I should. 20 minutes ago I wondered if I'd have the guts to walk out in front of a truck.  I just found out the last hope I'd been clinging to, moving in to worldview so I could be in a nurturing environment around people had slammed shut in my face. They didn't even consider it. Just a "no, that's not something we do here" and she wished me well on my search.  Did she know she was my last hope? Did she know how desperate I am and what her words have done? How do I get through another night at home. How? Where are you God?